I heard a good one.

[RocketRob]

thread for jokes.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
 
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are
you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO shit." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[natesnow]

lol that was funny as hell.

[easyrider]

> AUNT KAREN
> The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
> Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>
> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
> stories. Tony do you have a story to share?"
> Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
> She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
> She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask
> of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on
> the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right
> in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with
> the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,
> till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare
> hands."
>
> "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
> your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
> Stay the f... away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

[RocketRob]

^lmao

[FaYgo]

Why do Tennessee fans only wear orange? 

so on Saturday they can go to the game,
On Sunday they can go huntin'
And Monday through Friday they can pick up trash.



-lolz

[natesnow]

them are some funny jokes keep them coming.

[RocketRob]

Take Care of Your Man
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied

[RocketRob]

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country".

[easyrider]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the

hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then

moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,

one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand

what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the

effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why

do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it

up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it

probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the

girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[RocketRob]

 

[easyrider]

check your insurance coverage!!!


A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital  when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was  masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry  that you were exposed to that situation, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's OK," commented the woman. In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing orally on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How  can THAT be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly and replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

[easyrider]

>A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
>goes to the vet to see if he can help.  The vet tells the woman to tie a
>ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
>
>Yeah right ! " she says.
>
>A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.  The
>wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
>the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the
>dog's testicles.
>
>Sure enough, the dog stops snoring !!! The Woman is amazed !!!
>
>Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
>with his buddies. He climbs into bed and begins snoring loudly.  The woman
>thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
>again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
>testicles.
>
>Amazingly, it also works on him !!! The Woman sleeps soundly.
>
>The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. 
>As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances down and sees a blue 
>ribbon attached to his privates.  He is very confused, and as he walks back
>into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his Dog's testicles.
>
>He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where
>we were......Or what we did... But, by God... We took First and Second
>place!!!   

[RocketRob]

lmao

[easyrider]

2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda
 
 
   7:00 pm        Opening flag burning 
   7:15 pm        Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 
  7:20 pm        Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   7:25 pm        Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al
                        Sharpton 
   7:45 pm        Ceremonial tree hugging 
   7:55 pm        Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   8:00 pm        How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore 
   8:15 pm        Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding 
   8:35 pm        Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   8:40 pm        Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry 
   9.00 pm         Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan
                        and Susan Sarandon 
   10:00 pm       "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin 
   11:00 pm       Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   11:05 pm       Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant
                        fund - Barbra Streisand 
   11:15 pm       Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 
   11:30 pm       Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton 
   11:45 pm       Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   11:50 pm       How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers -
                        Howard Dean 
   12:15 am      "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by
                       Michael Moore 
   12:25 am      Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   12:30 am      Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 
   12:45 am      Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 
   1:00 am        Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   1:05 am         Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton 
   1:30 am         Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 
   1:35 am         Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home

[easyrider]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public Places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.

'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa t ellin' my frienda how to spell '
Mississippi '.'

$50 says you're gonna de read these a one again!